Anais Nin

I love Anais Nin. The first book I ever read of hers was Henry and June. I loved it because it was beautiful and it never really talks about the guilt (if there was any) about her sleeping with Henry Miller; an affair she carried on until she died. I loved reading her diaries and gained an interesting perspective on what it means to be a sexual person.

This is the wiki plot summary of Henry and June:

“At the end of 1931, Nin finds herself dissatisfied with being a timid, faithful wife to her banker husband, Hugh Parker Guiler. When she meets June Miller, she perceives her as the most beautiful woman she has ever met and pursues a extremely intense, ambiguous, sexually charged friendship with her. When June leaves Nin becomes involved with Henry, and begins an uninhibited sexual and emotional affair with him, which prompts an intellectual and sensual awakening.”

Why can’t a woman be married, love her husband dearly, and not take another man as a lover? Why must we be confined to one person, sexually devoted to them and not expand our sexual horizons? Cheating is such an insidious word. It implies that one is purposefully hurting their spouse and that’s not how I see this. An affair, (assuming it ever even begins) is not about the spouse, it’s not about causing them harm. It’s about exploring new desires, new ideas, a new body, a new relationship.

I dreamed about him again last night. This man, who is not my husband. I dreamed we were linked, telepathically and I could feel everything he felt and he was in such turmoil. It made me so sad for him. I tried to reach out and touch him, to reassure him and comfort him, but I just couldn’t get to him. Which made my turmoil worse, which in turn, made his worse. It was a never-ending cycle of one trying to reach out for the other, never quite being able to grasp on to the other. I woke up sad and turmoiled (it could also be that I threw up last night).

It’s so strange, these dreams I keep having of wanting to be with him and having my husband or some other form of my sub-conscience reminding me of my familial responsibilities.

I feel as though I’m on the cusp of something big. It’s a matter of making the choice. Which do I choose?

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