Gag Order

I am impotent with rage. I’m so mad right now that my stomach is roiling. I’m pissed that I ever told anyone about this fucking blog. Some of the things I want to write about, I found out the hard way, are not my secrets to tell.

However, I will tell you as much as I can because I fucking despise when people write on their blogs that they have so much to say but won’t write it.

My friend made a decision today to stay with her husband. Just writing that makes me even more furious. I’ve watched her struggle through this marriage since I met her almost 6 years ago. They spent the first year of the marriage sleeping in single beds, that were on opposite sides of the room.

Obviously I’m watching from the outside but I honestly don’t see what she’s fighting so hard to keep. Up until a few days ago, she had removed her wedding ring and was looking at apartments. I was so proud of her. It was finally time. I had watched her for years struggle and had watched the light in her eyes dim.

This is a ridiculous cycle that she continues to live. She gets upset with him (because he’s fucking useless) to the point of anger and frustration, blows up (she has put holes in her wall from throwing things) threatens to leave and then he spins some pretty words for her and she decides that he’s actually going to make an effort, and so she will to, and they carry on.

I have never seen her truly happy with this man-child. The good moments that they have in their marriage (from my perspective) are few and far between. In fact, they seem to be getting fewer and farther, but I don’t live there, so really, what the fuck do I know?

It just fucking kills me to watch her struggle so fucking much and not be able to do anything about it. She’s the most stubborn, pig-headed person I’ve ever met and I feel like she’d rather fight her way through this to prove she gave it her all and before she knows it, she’ll be well into 40’s and wondering why the fuck she didn’t get out when she had the chance.

No one root’s for failure, but in this case I feel like it would be a blessing for her. She refuses to see it.

I’m mad at myself for believing that it would be this time that she was serious. That she actually meant to leave this time. She’ll never leave him. She’ll never know true happiness. She was happy today that they hugged. Seriously!? A hug!?

How many bad times have to come between the good times? It seems like they’re just living for these small, tiny moments. They live a life of silence and resentment and once in a while they have a ‘good’ moment where they communicate. They slap each other on the back and feel like this could be so good for their relationship. But is it worth it? Is it worth all the crap that they have to endure in the meantime before they get to that next moment? That next hug?

Ugh. It seems like it would be more work to force this to work than it would be to just cull the dead weight and start a new life. But it’s not my call.

I feel like this begs the question, how can I keep watching her do this to herself?

I find it ironic that I wrote a ‘what friendship means to me’ post a couple days ago and now the limits of my friendship are being tested.

I asked her once, if she had to choose between me or her husband, who would it be. Without hesitation she said me. But then she told me that as her friend, I would never put her in that position. Well, fuck. It’s getting pretty close now. How, how, how can I watch her keep going through this same cycle? How long is it before I’m just like her that I keep hoping and wishing that she’ll get out of this farce of a marriage and keep being disappointed that she never does?

How can I keep watching, over and over, as she drowns herself? The truth is I can’t. I don’t want to anymore.

There is no love lost between her husband and I. I can’t stand him. I hate that I’ve made an effort to invite him out on many occasions and all he does is mope until he gets to go home, early. He’d rather go home and drink alone than hang out and be social. In the 6 years that they’ve been together, I think I’ve spent 5 New Years’ with her.

I made it a point to tell her he was not invited to our wedding (which was just last June). He skulks and mopes and she fucking coddles his ass and it makes me sick. One time, on my birthday, I managed to convince him to come out. She was the life of the party, until he showed up. As soon as he walked in the door, the light left her eyes. She sat with him on the couch while they murmured to each other. She got up and served him a burger. He whined about a napkin or a plate or something and she got up and got it for him. An hour later they left.

The other night, while we were in the car, he called her and all but insinuated that she had met someone else. He’s a jealous dick. and instead of telling him that she was not having this conversation right now, or better yet, hanging up the fucking phone, she sits there and has a conversation with him! That’s not awkward for the other THREE PEOPLE IN THE CAR!

I can’t make her leave him. I don’t think I would, even if I could because it’s her decision to make, not mine. But fuck, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! Watch her go through this AGAIN? Only talk about superficial bullshit like cooking or gardening because I can’t bare to listen to her talk about her marriage? How is that a friendship? I want to be a good friend to her, but I have no idea how…


Maybe I’m just a shitty friend overall. It certainly feels like it lately.







2 responses to “Gag Order

  1. I don’t think you’d feel so much if you were a shitty friend, fair enough if you want to feel horrible because of the shitty situation she’s in, even the shitty situation that puts you in, but don’t start doubting yourself as a result.

    How are you now, anyways?

  2. I agree with sydb – if you were not a good friend, you would not have invested yourself so much in her life and would not care one way or the other if she is happy. The fact that you recognize that it is her decision to leave or to stay is also a good friend. I would suggest just to let her know you are there for her (as much as it pisses you off that she is not seeing things as clearly as those around her).

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