Put Together Like a Horse and Carriage

I guess I’ve been feeling sentimental these days. Maybe it’s because I’m due to start my period soon. I’ve been feeling out of sorts, cranky and weepy. It could also be that I’ve been going to bed really late for the last week. Or it could be that I’m starting to question my relationship with my husband.

He has ADD (as I suspect I do as well, though it’s never been diagnosed) and he lives by a specific routine. I have my own routine, but it’s totally different than his. He has too many expectations and then ends up incredibly disappointed when those expectations aren’t met.

He nags me like he’s my parent. Instead of putting away a dish I may have left out, or asking me nicely to put it away, he gets mad at me for it. It’s been worse since he’s gone off his medication. He gets grumpy and that makes me grumpy.

We’ve lived in this house for almost 4 years and he’s never once cleaned the bathroom in our bedroom. Right now we have black mould growing in the toilet. It’s disgusting and it smells. He desecrates the porcelain god much more frequently than I do, so that I leave matches in there for him to light, because it’s absolutely unholy. On principle I don’t want to clean the toilet this time, but I have a feeling it will never get done. I’m going to break soon and clean it. And I hate myself for it.

He doesn’t do his own laundry, I do it. I pick up after him, and the kids. I try to pick up after myself but I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like I do everything (which is nothing) around here and I get no credit, no acknowledgment, and no help.

Once he told me that I was the queen of the castle, and that I had to take care of things around the house, even if that meant delegating. The thing is, I just feel overwhelmed all of the time because I’m supposed to take care of 4 other people, not including myself. So I do nothing.

I’m messy. I know I’m messy. I’ve told him I need help and he never (or rarely) gives it to me. I’m frustrated and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if maybe we’re just not compatible enough to live together.

How would he do it if he lived alone? I mean, for the most part he’s neat, but he just expects me to do it all. I’m not his mother, who is a wonder woman of cleaning. Her house is spotless and I bet I could stop in, unexpected at any hour of the day, and her house would be immaculate like a show home.

That’s just not feasible for me.

I’ve been thinking more and more about leaving. Just packing up what’s really important to me and leaving. I have no money and no where to go. But sometimes I just want to leave.

His moods really affect me. I shouldn’t let them, but they do. He gets moody about any number of things and then he gets mad at me for whatever silly reason. I get so frustrated because I don’t give a shit about the things that he does, and he doesn’t give a shit about the things that I do. I wonder when this is going to break us.

“Why did you leave this out,”

“I don’t know! I didn’t think about it!”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.”

He gets upset about any number of stupid little things; the toilet paper roll not being changed when it’s finished, a glass I left on the dinner table, his clothes not being cleaned.

“Do them yourself!” I yell.

“No, it’s your job,” he insists. Because he goes out and makes a living and single handedly supports our family, it’s my job to do everything around the house. I can’t do it. I’ve told him I can’t do it. He doesn’t listen.

My friend told me he was born in the wrong century.

My mother told me she’s never once heard him praise me, only knock me down.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just biding my time until I can financially support myself and get the fuck out of here. Other times I wonder how I could live without him.

The good times we have are so good. We hang out, we laugh, we communicate and we have incredible sex.

When things are bad, they’re really ugly. There’s never any middle ground, it’s either one or the other.

I honestly feel there are better people for both of us out there, somewhere. I feel like there’s a woman out there that can keep his house clean and make him happier than I do.

I’ve had dreams of sitting on a mountainside with a man (who’s face I can never see) and I lean into him and he puts his arm around me. I look off to the horizon and wonder how my ex-husband is doing, and if he’s found the happiness that I have with this man. I’ve had this dream a couple of times.

Maybe I am just biding my time.

Maybe I’m just dreaming.

Maybe I’ll just chalk this up to hormones and call it a day. I doubt it, though. Something’s going to come to a head and I’m going to have to make a decision sooner or later. I’m just not in the right place to do it yet.

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