I’m Still Alive

It’s sad that it’s been raining all week and I’ve been pretty happy because despite it, I’ve been in my garden. I built an herb spiral, planted black and red currants, blueberries, raspberries and lots of lettuce and vegetables.

Today is warm and sunny and beautiful and I woke up incredibly grumpy.

I’m upset because I feel like I always have to clean up the shit. Literally and figuratively.

Yesterday I walked into my son’s room to find him naked, with crap smeared everywhere. I didn’t want to go into his room today, so I asked my husband and he grumbled something about needing more sleep or whatever. WHATEVER.

Luckily, even though he was naked, there was no crap smearing today. It was a little but funny, but it’s still annoying.

I just put $200 into outfitting my mountain to be a road bike (road tires, adjustments) and I haven’t been able to ride it. Not even once. I pledged to Bike to Work, a challenge my city offers. I can’t ride my bike to work because I have no one to watch my children. When I do find someone to watch them, they are only available for quick periods of time, ensuring that there is no bike riding for me.

Why don’t I have anyone to watch my kids? Because my mom is a bitch.

Two weeks ago she called me to tell me that she doesn’t like coming over to my house all the time to watch the kids. Which is funny because she hadn’t been over to watch the kids in over a month. She started telling me that she didn’t want to do it anymore. That I was making my problems her problems and she didn’t like it. It’s right at the dinner hour, and she has to cook for my grandmother (who is out of the hospital and doing better). Then she starts telling me that my dad doesn’t like that she comes over all the time. Which is complete and utter bullshit. She uses that line on other people, about how it wasn’t her decision, but my father’s. He put his foot down. He made that choice.

Whatever mom. Whatever makes you feel better. I got so mad that I told her I would quit my job just so I wouldn’t inconvenience her. Then I hung up on her.

Well, as I called my husband to tell him what happened, my mother left a message on my answering machine. She told me that she didn’t care if I quit my job, and that if I did, she wouldn’t feel guilty or bad because I’m making my problems her problems and now it’s not her problem. Oh, and she’s not watching the kids that night (my shift was in 2 hours).

Um? Okay? Asshole.

Now it’s been almost 3 weeks, I’ve been scrambling to find people to watch my kids so I can work and I’ve barely spoken to my mother. I called her once after that to offer her a compromise until I could find a more permanent solution and she completely shut me down.

I’ve been looking for someone all this week and keep coming up with nothing. Finally, today, my husband called a friend of ours who’s coming to help. I was going to call into work and tell them I couldn’t come in. Which stressed me out so much.

My grandmother calls me almost every day. She told me my mother wants an apology for hanging up on her. Absolutely not going to happen. I give in to her tantrums all the damn time and I’m tired of it. I’m already cut-off, so I don’t really care.

Oh yeah, and Sunday is mother’s day. Hoorah.

I sent my sister this email a few days ago:

“G’day,

Dilemma: I despise my mother, yet mother’s day is on Sunday. Will you be calling her? Fuck. I have a nature walk that afternoon that I’m looking forward to!
Ideas? Comments? Concerns?”
To which she responded:
“i haven’t really thought about it to be honest…
rob says hell no, haha.i’ll be calling [boyfriend’s]  mom…
you prob wont be able to get away without calling, but me? hmm… i
dunno, i’m kind of off the radar.
I’m not just going to call in on birthdays and xmas and shit, and then
not have a relationship the rest of the year. its totally
hypocritical.
so, yeah, not sure what to do about that.

i can only hope that i never have a mothers day where multiple
children of mine don’t want to call me…”

That’s right, my mother has alienated 2 out her 3 children. Way to go mom, you’re the best. Here’s a card to honour how special you are to me.

Last year, on Mother’s Day, my husband told me that I didn’t deserve to sleep in. That has stuck with me and now I honestly feel like I don’t deserve anything. I feel like when my daughter comes home with her mother’s day project, I’m going to want to rip it up because I don’t feel like a good mother. I’m pretty sure that wanting to rip up a beautiful gift from my child makes me a terrible mother, but that’s how I feel.

I called my grandmother because I was going to stop by with the kids and drop off some books to my brother’s girlfriend. She told me I still needed to apologize to my mother, which set me off. I started yelling. At my grandmother. My sick grandmother who is having a nurse come to the house to show my mother how to insert her catheter. I yelled at her. And then I hung up and cried a lot.

As I was moping on the drive home, Pearl Jam came on. I’m still alive. Oh, oh I’m still alive.

I thought that was kind of poetic of the Universe.

Because, in spite of it all, I am still alive. Alive with 3 beautiful children, and a (most of the time) wonderful husband.

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