I Can’t Breathe

I’m so confused. I love my husband but I can’t live with him anymore.

I told him I’m leaving. I don’t think he thought I was serious. I am.

When he gets mad he assassinates my character. He cuts me down, calls me names, calls me names in front of the children. The emotional abuse has been progressively getting worse. How much more can I stand? How much more abuse do I need to be put through before I finally leave?

I guess a little over 3 year’s worth. He admitted that he was awful to me when I was pregnant. He knows he’s mean. He’s admitted it. He has so much rage that he suppresses. I mean, any little thing I do (forget something, don’t clean something, change my mind about something) makes him so angry. He bottles it all up, and then when he snaps he just unleashes on me.

You’re an asshole.

You’re pathetic.

You’r a coward.

You only have stupid ideas.

You’re  incompetent.

You’re a fucking liar.

You’re a hypocrite.

You’re nothing.

You have nothing.

You’re ridiculous.

You’re fucked in the head. Seriously fucked up.

You fail at everything you do.

The way you put your socks on is wrong. The way I put my socks on is right.

Last weekend he threw his wedding ring at me and yelled at me that he hated me. He told me that I was going to take and take and take from every person I’d ever meet and that I would ruin everyone I’d ever get close to and then I would die alone.

He also told me that I only take advantage of him, and he wasn’t going to be weak and put up with it.

The only thing I want from my partner is to support me. But apparently that’s asking too much because he says he can’t support me in any of my endeavours because I take too much support. I don’t even know what that means.

I admit, I have ideas. Lots and lots of ideas. Every idea I have makes him angry. Everything I want to work towards makes him angry. He’s angry, and suppressing it. Which I suspect is what’s giving him anxiety. He always feels powerless. He hates change. I am a big ball of change. All I want is to change.

I want to sell this house. I want to buy some property in the next province where land is much cheaper. I want build a house that costs way less than our current house. I want to homestead. I want to grow all my own food. I’m taking a permaculture course in the fall. I want to move towards a more sustainable life.

He wants to stay stuck in this house, living paycheque to paycheque, struggling. He doesn’t want to look at any options. Even my mother thinks I’m crazy with this idea.

I’m just trying to find options that won’t keep us so stuck. There has to be a way out. He won’t hear it. He won’t come up with any ideas of his own. And any idea I come up with makes him mad.

Tonight I told him that I would not be at the father’s day potluck that he so graciously decided to host at our place. He got so mad that he hung up on me. Later he texted me that I had told him earlier I would help him. I told him I would help him clean, not be there for the dinner.

Then his mother called to talk about the fucking potluck. I froze. I didn’t know what to say. I’m still debating now whether to call his parents and tell them they need to go pick him up (he’s walking home from work, which is about 5 hours, according to google maps.)

I’m a pretty easy going person. I let a lot of stuff slide, there’s a lot of things I don’t really care about. That makes him so mad. How can I stay with someone who rages at everything I do? Rages against everything I am as a person? I’m driving him crazy. I don’t understand how he can acknowledge that he’s broken inside, that he knows he needs help, and ask me to help him fix it. I can’t help him fix it, I only aggravate it. He wants us to do this together. I don’t know how…

 

 

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2 responses to “I Can’t Breathe

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