Sometimes It Lasts In Love, But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

(I’ve been listening to a lot of Adele lately, it seems to be the soundtrack of my life these days. Hence the titles of my posts.)

We talked at length last night. It was another exhausting, late night.

How do I break the cycle? Why do we fight to the point where I feel divorce is the only option, only to make up until the next big fight?

Yesterday I had chest pains. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. When he walked in the door, they tripled in intensity and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. As I drove away after dinner (had to take one of the kids to something), the pains eased. The more we talked last night, the more the pains eased.

He doesn’t like to hurt me, and he does take cheap shots. It’s nothing short of emotional abuse. He took my hands in his and apologized with tears in his eyes.

And why do I believe him? Because that’s the way he was taught. He was taught to take cheap shots. He doesn’t know any other way. Not that that’s an excuse, but how can I crucify him for being the way he is when I despise it when he does that to me.

I wish I didn’t love him so much, because that would make divorce an easy decision. But I do. I love him very much. The more we talked, the more we discussed the root of where his anger is coming from. A lot of it has to do with insecurities and feelings of anxiety. Again, not that that makes it okay for him to say horrible things to me.

In regards to my last post, I told him he can’t ever take that back. That struck me hard, wounded deep. I know it came from his own insecurity. He told me that he doesn’t know who he is anymore. He thinks I’m cool, and he’s trying to be more like me. Imitation being the highest form of flattery or something.

I took his face in my hands and I told him that I can only handle ONE of me, we don’t need two of me. I asked him if he would read the marriage/therapy books with me and he agreed. He needs better tools to direct his anger.

I also asked him why he resented me, and why it only shows when he’s mad. He’s jealous. He thinks the Universe favours me. Which is does. I tried to tell him that the Universe favours him too, but he just can’t see it.

I think it’s easier for me to forgive him when I understand that the horrible things he says to me stem from his own insecurities. I couldn’t imagine being 28 and still not knowing who I am. I feel bad for him, to be honest. But more importantly, I love him. Love has never been our issue, though. There’s always more than enough love between us.

I told him I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep reliving this cycle where we fight about shit that is so stupid, that enrages me to the point of thinking that it would be better if we got a divorce, only to make up again. This is our endless cycle, and I can’t live like this for the rest of our days.

It needs to change. He can’t keep unleashing this pent up rage at me by slinging cruel words. Now that I know where it’s coming from, I think it’ll be easier for him to redirect it in a more healthy way.

I also told him that I honestly don’t give a shit about a lot of the things that he does. If I forget my purse and we’re in a rush, it doesn’t bother me that I have to go back and get it. I don’t care about controlling everything around me because for me, it all works out the way it’s supposed to. He’s the kind of person that tries to control everything, orchestrates situations so that ‘everything is perfect’, which I think is dangerous because when you set yourself up to that kind of standard, you’re only going to end up disappointed. And he is, a lot.

He admitted to me that he feels like he’s not perfect enough for me, that he’s constantly disappointing me. That nearly broke my heart. I told him that I don’t hold him up to some ridiculous standard of perfection, that I accept him for who he is, even when he drives me crazy. I think that level of acceptance really hit him, he seemed so relieved. I think he just needed to hear it, hear that he doesn’t have to be perfect, that he is doing just fine. That eased a deeply implanted insecurity. A lot of the anger he carries around is at himself.

Now we just need to help him find better ways of dealing with his anger instead of lashing out and hurting me.

My heart still hurts. I’m still having minor chest pains. But it’s not as bad as it was yesterday. I’m relieved, but sad too.

It needs to change. This cycle needs to change. I can’t keep living like this. I honestly don’t know how someone can stress out over something they have no control over.

In any event, I’m taking tentative steps. I believe it will get better. That’s why I can’t leave him. I maintain hope. My only fear is that this is still part of the incessant cycle of make-up break-up shit and that I’ll never get out of it. However, we’ve never talked this in depth about his insecurities, and he not knowing who he is as a person. I feel like this will be a new chapter for him in his life. A chapter of self discovery. A new chapter for us.

Is this like the abused woman who keeps thinking that ‘he’ll change’ even though he never does? I hope not. He’s grown so much already. I believe he wants to be a better person.

I’m still hurt though.

 

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6 responses to “Sometimes It Lasts In Love, But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

  1. In regards to your December 13th post… I understand that you’re scared of entering this cycle again. It’s a terrible cycle, but it’s definitly a positive thing that it felt different this time. When you can reach someone on that level, who isn’t used to being open or conscious of your feelings, seems like a step in the right direction.

    I think you’re right in the fact that he doesn’t know who he is as a person. When you don’t know who you are, you feel lost. As you said, at 28, it couldn’t feel worse on someone. Usually, this is something that teenagers are faced with. Personally, I had to deal with not knowing who I was at the age of 17, and it was awful. We go through each phase trying to determine which identity fits right, and it seems like your husband hasn’t been able to get through that yet. With the added stress of being older with major responsibilities, it seems like its really taken a toll on him. It might be frustrating trying to deal with someone like that when they’re jumping from one extreme to the other while not knowing where they’re supposed to fit.

    I think if you two keep having these talks and recognizing the root of the abuse, it will be easier for him to be conscious of why he’s saying hurtful things. The more you two make it known to eachother what hurts, the easier it will be to recognize and avoid the problems in the future. Love is #1, and I think through a lot of deep and meaningful communication (cliche i know) you guys can make it through!

    Good Luck:)

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