Last night was a shit show. I battled the cat for half the night who kept trying to chew on me. The dog came and mashed her cold nose into my face. The baby cried off and on, not enough to need someone to go to him, but enough that it got my attention before he settled himself. Heartbreak tormented my dreams and I had no one to hold me. It was lonely and I hated it.
Normally if I’m feeling this badly, I would go to him for comfort. I would have him hold me, kiss me, tell me everything will be fine. I can’t do that now. I can’t go to him to comfort me for the pain he is causing.
This morning I got up to the get the girls’ their lunches ready and then he came downstairs. I didn’t look at him, or at least, I tried not to. When I surreptitiously glanced up at him, all I could see was the glaring emptiness on his ring finger. It really hit me then, he actually took off his ring. We are really over. I almost lost my shit as I was standing there doing the dishes. I have to keep my shit together in front of the kids but part of my is dying and I don’t know what to do.
What do you do when you’re heart is broken but you have to pretend everything is fine for the kids?
It’s all I can do not to start sobbing, and I still have to make the kids their lunches.
I wish I had money. I wish I had a job, something that I could do to support myself so I could get away from here. I wish I hadn’t set it up so that I was completely dependent on him. I wish I’d never married him.
I wish a lot of things…