Bottoms Up, Bitches

I went to my buddy’s wedding last night.

His wife ignored me and was rude to me, for the most part. Eventually she tried to talk to me, and we danced a bit on the dance floor, which was awkward because I know she doesn’t like me.

It was a tiny wedding, with no more than 20  people, and I brought the girls with me (MadEye, Kurdles and EZ). We tore up the dance floor. Luckily my husband is a huge party animal without needing to drink, so we literally brought the party. It was serve-yourself-open-bar and I got drunk. I also brought a couple other people around the bend with me.

Apparently I caused some drama between a lesbian couple (who were way crazy and way intense). CrazyBitch1 I’ve met before and already knew she was nuts. CrazyBitch2 was the insanely jealous, insecure girlfriend who was telling me her tales of woe. I was trying to make her feel better but apparently I only made things worse. (I assume pounding back gin and diet pepsi all night didn’t do fuck all for any skill I have at persuasion, especially since I truly didn’t give a fuck.)

Anyway, later in the night, CrazyBitch1 (who is as drunk as me, if not more so) leans over the table at me and tells me that I’ve insulted her by offending her girlfriend. But I didn’t do anything! Did I? I was pretty hammered. Then she informs me that she’s going to have to hit me, and it’s going to hurt.

I was placating her, trying to tell her I did no such thing and I whatever I did, I only meant to make things better, not worse. At this point I’m tired of the crazy lesbian drama and just want to continue enjoying my evening, when my fucking buddy, who drunker than all the rest of us, tells me not to start anything at his wedding! I was like, what the fuck is this? Now I’m sitting there at the table, insisting to these two drunk retards that I’m not starting fuck all, I never meant to offend anyone, I’m just here to have a good time. My buddy then insists that it’s his wedding, and under no uncertain terms am I to start shit on his wedding night.

I wanted to punch them both. Finally, I told them both to fuck off because I started nothing.

Finally, it’s resolved, (or so I thought) when my buddy’s blushing ol’ bag comes over and informs me that I’ve really insulted CrazyBitch1. Yeah, this is me fucking caring. Assholes.

I poured myself another drink and we carried on into the evening. Which consisted of me making ludicrously nasty drinks and forcing people to drink them as fast as they could. There was a really cute guy there that Kurdles wanted me to try and get drunk so he would show us his dick. Turns out he had a girlfriend who showed up later to drive his drunk ass home. However, he really appreciated my drinks and I snuggled up to his warm body a couple of times (it was fucking freezing there last night). He was hilarious and we had a good time. I even poured a diet drink for his girlfriend, who was a surprisingly good sport about it all; you know, me being the drunk girl forcing him to drink and get ridiculously drunk!

There was another guy there, a guy from high school that Kurdles and I knew. He’s super sweet and seemed like a good sport about getting wasted. As the night carried on, Kurdles and I speculated on the size of his dick. We figured it was either really small, or a giant python. We told him repeatedly throughout the night that we wanted to get him drunk so he would unveil his python. He informed us he would never get that drunk. It’s true, he didn’t get drunk enough to unleash his python, but he did get drunk enough that we had to stop the car so he could open the door to puke onto the street.

Oh yeah, I also told my buddy that I hoped he wasn’t drunk enough to have whiskey dick…in front of his wife. “Oh, you went there,” she said, less than impressed. “Yep, yep I did.”

My husband and I tried to have sex in the bathroom, which was hot, until EZ came in and was all like, “hello?” And then she wouldn’t leave. Technically he had it inside of me so it counts as sex, but neither of us were even close to finishing. Lame.

Overall, it was a good time had by all. Lots of drinks, lots of dancing, a touch of drama, I’d say it was a pretty epic night.