Plough This

I miss writing. Spilling my guts, spewing my words into the blogosphere. Even if they are mundane and self-serving.

Things with my husband are good…for now. He told me this past week, in the heat of a fight, that I was an awful mother. I’ve never been so close to killing someone before. Instead I took off my wedding ring and handed it to him. I informed him I was done with him, done with his bullshit. Blah, blah, blah. We talked a bunch, ignored each other, talked some more, and finally made up. He said he was sorry and I asked him, fearfully, if he really thought I was an awful mother. He admitted that no, I wasn’t an awful mother, and that he’s seen some pretty shitty mom’s and that I’m a really good mom. It still is beyond reprehensible that he said that to me, even in the heat of an argument.

There’s a rift between us that I feel is getting bigger. And I’m caring less and less. Let the chasm open up and swallow him for all I care. He’s constantly tired and mopey and everything is such a big deal. He has anxiety and depression but refuses to be treated for it. He refuses to take medication but he won’t do anything else, like get exercise.

It’s annoying.

Alas, I don’t want to discuss only the sad things going on.

Right now I’m writing a business plan to start my own farm. Everyone I mention this to goes on about how expensive it is to run a farm, and how much work it is. To them I say, only if you’re doing it conventionally.

After reading a few books by Joel Salatin, and Grass-Fed Cattle by Julius Ruechel, I can see a lot of the flaws of modern day agriculture and things that I plan on doing differently. I, by no means, think that this will be easy, but I also don’t think it will be as much work as a lot people think. There will be no ploughing of fields, no tilling, no machine harvesting. It will be more natural and I know it can be done because there are tons of farmers doing it this way and I know I can do it to. I guess it also depends on what you consider work. I consider sitting in an office cubicle punching in keys on a computer all day work. I consider selling crap (retail) work. It’s tedious and boring and I hate having to ‘work’. But being a steward of the land, caring for animals (ensuring they have healthy, free, lives) and harvesting from the land to feed my family is not something I would consider ‘work’. I consider that living.

I imagine waking up every morning to greet the animals in my charge, moving them to new pastures, watching how they move, how they care for their young, how they live. I imagine interacting with them, petting them, working with them instead of against them. I imagine growing, harvesting, and storing food for my family and for the growing market that exists for people that want clean, local food. I imagine how much simpler things could be while working with the seasons.

I don’t, for one second, pretend that it will be as easy as all this. I know there will be long days, and hardships, and definitely the thought of castrating bulls makes me queasy, but I feel like this kind of a life is closer to the way people could/should live. I would rather live this kind of a life than one where I’m trapped in a shitty retail job, or stuck in a cubicle pushing papers for a living. What kind of a ‘living’ is that?

This is it, this is my dream.

 

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2 responses to “Plough This

  1. I was very excited to get an email that said you had posted something….I have missed your blogs! I really hate that you r still feeling so trapped because liFe outside is glorious!!!! I pray even though I don’t know u..but I pray that you find the joy in life again and realize all us women have horrible mom moment but they should in NO way be used against us…and I pray that you get your dream of that farm…because it would be glorious and I am and will always buy organic and not store shot organic either…hehe I think more ppl should farm that way! Good luck dear I will be waiting for more reads…which mind u took me all dat to freakin read between work kid and soccer mom shit duites…lol but alas I finished..

    • Thank you so much for reading and following along! Also, I really appreciate that you like to buy/eat organic food!
      If there’s one thing I’ve always felt confident about, it’s that I’m a good mother. He really took that away from me, though, and I find I’m questioning myself more than I need to. Self reflection is always a good thing, but when he said to me it undermined my confidence. The worst part is he said it out of anger with the intention of hurting me…and he hit the mark.
      Anyway, I appreciate you finding the time to read the blog!

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