I miss writing. Spilling my guts, spewing my words into the blogosphere. Even if they are mundane and self-serving.
Things with my husband are good…for now. He told me this past week, in the heat of a fight, that I was an awful mother. I’ve never been so close to killing someone before. Instead I took off my wedding ring and handed it to him. I informed him I was done with him, done with his bullshit. Blah, blah, blah. We talked a bunch, ignored each other, talked some more, and finally made up. He said he was sorry and I asked him, fearfully, if he really thought I was an awful mother. He admitted that no, I wasn’t an awful mother, and that he’s seen some pretty shitty mom’s and that I’m a really good mom. It still is beyond reprehensible that he said that to me, even in the heat of an argument.
There’s a rift between us that I feel is getting bigger. And I’m caring less and less. Let the chasm open up and swallow him for all I care. He’s constantly tired and mopey and everything is such a big deal. He has anxiety and depression but refuses to be treated for it. He refuses to take medication but he won’t do anything else, like get exercise.
Alas, I don’t want to discuss only the sad things going on.
Right now I’m writing a business plan to start my own farm. Everyone I mention this to goes on about how expensive it is to run a farm, and how much work it is. To them I say, only if you’re doing it conventionally.
After reading a few books by Joel Salatin, and Grass-Fed Cattle by Julius Ruechel, I can see a lot of the flaws of modern day agriculture and things that I plan on doing differently. I, by no means, think that this will be easy, but I also don’t think it will be as much work as a lot people think. There will be no ploughing of fields, no tilling, no machine harvesting. It will be more natural and I know it can be done because there are tons of farmers doing it this way and I know I can do it to. I guess it also depends on what you consider work. I consider sitting in an office cubicle punching in keys on a computer all day work. I consider selling crap (retail) work. It’s tedious and boring and I hate having to ‘work’. But being a steward of the land, caring for animals (ensuring they have healthy, free, lives) and harvesting from the land to feed my family is not something I would consider ‘work’. I consider that living.
I imagine waking up every morning to greet the animals in my charge, moving them to new pastures, watching how they move, how they care for their young, how they live. I imagine interacting with them, petting them, working with them instead of against them. I imagine growing, harvesting, and storing food for my family and for the growing market that exists for people that want clean, local food. I imagine how much simpler things could be while working with the seasons.
I don’t, for one second, pretend that it will be as easy as all this. I know there will be long days, and hardships, and definitely the thought of castrating bulls makes me queasy, but I feel like this kind of a life is closer to the way people could/should live. I would rather live this kind of a life than one where I’m trapped in a shitty retail job, or stuck in a cubicle pushing papers for a living. What kind of a ‘living’ is that?
This is it, this is my dream.