The Bottom Line

I always ask the Universe for guidance. I always say, “Universe, I need some guidance, please send me a sign.”

Tonight, as I drove back to my mother’s place after seeing my husband, “don’t give up, you are loved,” was on the radio. Josh Groban singing one of my favourite songs just happened to be on the radio, at the EXACT spot where he sings out, “don’t give up.” Well, obviously I have my answer.

Two days ago I left my husband. I took the kids and moved to my mom’s. His anger and name-calling had (has?)  finally taken it’s toll and to preserve myself, I left.

It’s been two days of stress and heightened emotions, and many, many tears. He has been mostly cruel and mean, telling me to ‘get off my property!’ when I showed up with the kids to pick up a few things yesterday.

Today we had an appointment to get our taxes done together. I thought it was going to be strained and awkward. It was actually one of the nicest times we’ve spent together. We talked about the shows we watch, the kids, our parents. Finally we talked about us.

He held my hand to his heart and told me there’s no one else that he would rather be with. He told me that I’m his best friend and that he can’t imagine what it would be like to lose his best friend. It took all I had not to start sobbing at the accountant’s office. We agreed that we love each other and we want to work on this. I told him I wanted to stay at my mom’s for now, so we don’t rush back into the exact same situation.

We got our taxes done, then went and had some lunch. We went back to the house and talked some more. We discussed the issue(s); him calling me names. He knows it’s wrong of him, he knows (and admitted) that it’s abhorrent. He told me he would stop. We talked about how I have such a broad vision, I don’t care about being late (I try not to be, but don’t get stressed or hung up on it if I am), I don’t care if I forget something at the grocery store, to me it’s not big deal. For him, he has a more narrow view. He sets things up so that everything works according to his plan, and since most of the time he can’t account for me forgetting my purse, or my keys, or whatever, that pisses him off. He doesn’t know how to deal with the uncertainty I present. I don’t know how to deal with his rigidity. We need to work on these things.

The bottom line is, I love him. He loves me. We want to make this work. We just lack the tools.

He kept trying to kiss me and convince me to go upstairs with him. I wanted to, I wanted to so bad. But I just couldn’t. He kept telling me to come home, that this is our home and the kids should be in their home. I told him I needed more time. I don’t trust that he won’t say something awful to me when he gets mad.

Anyway, I went over again tonight, after I put the kids to bed, to offer him a way to deal with this.

I told him that I plan on staying at my mom’s for a while, but that we’ll have date nights. We’ll start over, from the beginning. Also, I like the idea of going over to see my ‘boyfriend’. There’s something naughty about it that appeals to my inner deviant. I told him that and it made him laugh.

I also told him that I wanted him to go and see his counselor and tell her exactly what he’s said to me, how he deals with his anger so that she can give him some tools that he needs to deal with his anger, so he stops calling me names be getting mean. I told him I would be willing to see someone too, to work on whatever issues he thinks I should work on. He told me that his counselor mentioned inviting me to a session or two, and I asked him to make an appointment tomorrow for his next day off. He agreed.

It’s hard because I was ready to leave him. I was ready to go see a lawyer and finally end it. I’ve been so devestated by the way he treats me. I told him that he didn’t respect me, that he’s never respected me, and his answer? “What have you ever done that warrants my respect?” His words are so cruel and disrespectful. I’m so cautious about moving back in.

He’s not happy about us not moving back. But he’ll put up with it to make us work. He tried to initiate sex again, as I was leaving. I told him I wanted to wait. He hates anticipation. He was mopey about it. I called him on it, and he told me he would never be anything but honest and that right now he’s really sad and mopey because he really wants to make love to his wife.

I can’t believe I actually said no, and walked away. I was debating on whether or not I made the right choice, leaving without having sex with him. That’s when Josh Groban serenaded me to not give up. So I’m not. I won’t give up on him, on us. He wants to be better, and I want us to be better. I must be the biggest sap in the world.

When we’re good, we are so good for each other. When we’re not, we’re toxic to each other. It sucks. But I can’t fault him for admitting that he’s wrong to call me names and that he wants to stop. That he will stop and that he will seek help to change. I want to make sure he’s well on his way to making those changes before I agree to move back in. I love him so much. It kills me to see him hurt from this, even though he’s hurt me beyond comprehension.

I have an incredibly huge capacity for forgiveness, much to my detriment sometimes, perhaps.

Being apart from him hurts my heart. Knowing that he’s all alone in the house that is our home without all the life in it makes my heart hurt for him. I want to hold him close, hug him, and tell him it’ll all be fine. But this time it isn’t. At least not yet. I have my hopes up though.

How can I say no to him when he admits he’s wrong and is willing to make the changes that will make him a better person? That will enable him to treat me better?

Now, if we can just get him to stop being such a man-child, he’d be perfect!




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