Things seem to be degenerating pretty quickly.
My husband asked me when I planned on coming home. I told him that when I felt safe, I would come home.
“Well how long will that be?”
“I don’t know, but it will be a while,”
“How long is a while? Because I won’t wait forever.”
“I’m not asking you to wait forever. I’m asking you to wait until I feel like I’ll be safe, when I know we won’t fall back into the same cycle again,”
“When will that be?”
“I don’t know.”
“Just give me a time,”
“…end of April.”
“I won’t wait that long. I deserve better than having to wait for you, for waiting for someone who always makes me wait.”
We talked a few more times during the day, but it essentially boiled down to me telling him I wasn’t coming back until I felt safe from the way he hurts me, him asking, “what about the ways you hurt me?” and finally him telling me that he would be contacting a lawyer to pursue a divorce.
Seriously? He won’t wait until the end of April? He’s never been a patient person, but this is ridiculous. If this could be the life-line that could save our marriage, he’d rather have a divorce? What nonsense.
I was supposed to bring the kids over tonight for them to sleepover. He has tomorrow off and I figured this would be a good time for him to spend some quality time with the kids. He got annoyed with me because he thought I was going to be there for dinner (due to the argument we had last night, and again this morning, I decided I didn’t need to put myself in a position where I needed to stay for dinner.) It escalated into him telling me not to bother bringing the kids at all because he wanted to be left alone.
“Please don’t do this to the kids,” I begged him.
“I’m not doing this to the kids, you’re doing this to the kids.”
I honestly didn’t even know what to say. He seems to be more upset that I’m not at the house than anything else. I still don’t think he realizes that his actions and behaviour towards me forced me to leave to preserve myself.
If I ever found out my son was treating someone the way his father treats me, I would be horrified. If I ever found out someone was treating either of my little girls the way he treats me, I would kill them.
I will not have my kids growing up thinking that it’s ok to treat people like this. It’s not. I’m not even sure that I can identify what it was in me that snapped, but some part of me is refusing to be put through this anymore and I’m holding on for dear life.
This conversation left me with such guilt. What was I supposed to tell the kids? “Daddy and I had a fight about you guys and now he doesn’t want to see you.”
I felt bad, even though I know it’s not my fault. I still feel bad, and I think it’s from some misplaced sense of wanting to take care of him. He, perhaps, has given me the best advice of all: “sometimes you just have to harden your heart.”
Thank you for the advice husband, I think I’ll take it.
The bottom line is, I love him. I will always love him. I tried to give him the chance to help fix this, but he prefers to lay all the blame at my feet for leaving, without taking into consideration the reason behind why I left. He hurt me so badly that I felt leaving him was the best option. He’s mad and petty.
So be it. If he wants to be a selfish baby, let him. I’m tired of dealing with it.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.