Let the shit show begin.
More and more is happening every day and it never stops breaking my heart.
Yesterday my husband put a block on my phone. I couldn’t text, phone call, internet. I don’t understand why he did it, either since that means he’ll have to call my parents house phone, which he hasn’t done yet.
Luckily my mom took me to the store and set me up under her account with a new phone number. He’s trying to control me. To intimidate me into moving back in.
I went to see a counselor today. It was supposed to be the counselor for the kids, but he told me that since I already have the trust and rapport with my kids, he will counsel them through me.
He asked a lot about the relationship of me and my husband. He said it’s best not to add fuel to the fire, and to look at what I’m doing that might fuel it, so that I can take a step back.
You could tell he’s seen this kind of thing before, where one parent lashes out because they’re angry.
Earlier today, when I went to pick up our son, my mother was with me and we didn’t even look at each other. I picked up the cat too, which broke my heart. We’re giving her to someone who can look after her for now.
I mentioned to my husband that I would be finding arrangements for the dog, but I needed a couple of days. He said, “it better be quick.” My mother was horrified.
My mother stepped out of the house with our son, and he looked at me and asked, “do you really want to go through with all of this?”
I told him that I was willing, but he wasn’t willing to give me the time. “Besides, I’ve seen your true colours, and I don’t like them very much.”
I’m going to see a lawyer tomorrow.
After the appointment, I realized I hadn’t really eaten much today, so I went to my favourite shawarma place. I was the only one there, besides the guys that work there. I sat at the back feeling like the loneliest person in the world. I left when I started to tear up.
I decided to pick up the girls from school early, so I could talk with their bus driver. He’s a really nice guy, and he’s been through the ringer himself, and has been a really good listener. On the way to the school, I tried to force myself to listen to a sad song that I really love. Halo, by Beyonce. I broke down and started weeping in the car. I held out until the song was over half over, though, so go me.
I’m so sad. All he wants to do is talk, and all I want to do is wait until we can see a counselor. I’m so tired of fighting, of being cut down by him. My soul hurts. He’s my best friend and I don’t trust him not to hurt me.
He called my mother’s house twice today while I was out, but my mother didn’t answer. I called him back to see what’s going on.
“So this is it? You won’t even talk to me? We can’t hang out? We can’t even talk?”
I honestly didn’t know what to say.
“You know you’re holding all the cards, there’s nothing I can do, I’m squirming because you’re giving me nothing, and you’re alright with that?”
“Then I guess I’m seeing your true colours.”
There was nothing left to say. I know he’s hurting, but damnit, so am I. I’m giving him nothing because I have nothing left to give. He’s stripped it away.
Part of me wants to talk to him, but the other part of me is too scared.
I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m so hurt. And I know he’s so hurt. We’re both hurting and neither of us knows how to fix this. I don’t think I even want to fix this anymore.
I’m so tired.