I’m so frustrated.
My mom called me this morning. We stuck to the initial small talk, “you still picking up the girls from school?” “Yeah,” and then she throws out the, “we need to talk.”
“About what happened between your brother and your husband.”
Just when I thought I got out of having to discuss it with her.
The conversation went pretty much like I figured it would. She was offended that my husband would come into their house and threaten her son.
I told her he was sticking up for me. She told me that if she threatened him every time he emotionally abused me that she’d be over at my house every other day.
Now, she never said that my brother was completely innocent, but it sure as hell felt like that’s what she was saying. Trying to justify what he did by saying that I already knew how upset he was when I had gone down stairs to bother him some more. Which I didn’t. He seemed annoyed to me, and normally between us, when one is annoyed, the other pushes his/her buttons. We’re antagonistic, which is usually meant in the spirit of good fun. Usually.
Until my brother completely snaps and loses his goddam mind in a furious rage, unbeknownst to me, then suddenly I’m the fucking idiot.
You know what I’ve come to realize?
I don’t really like my brother, as a person. I love him out of familial obligation, but I think that’s as far as it goes. I’ve tried to be close to him, I’ve tried to ask him to make time for me, to hang out together, but he can’t commit to plans ‘in case something comes up.’
Plans change, life gets in the way, so he just won’t commit to spending time together. Fine.
My dad says there’s always an undercurrent of anger and resentment stemming from the shit I did to him when he was a kid and that when I antagonize him it brings it all to the surface. For real?! All I have to say to that is GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Honestly. You know, I’m a grown woman with three kids and family all of my own, I have enough stress in my life that I don’t need to fuel it from the shit of the past.
Anyway, the conversation with my mom was really upsetting because my mom made it sound like it was fine that he shoved me because I wasn’t innocent in antagonizing him and I was in his face. I wouldn’t get out of the way and that’s why he shoved me, he just wanted to be left alone.
I tried to tell her that he could have said that, that he wanted to be left alone, or that he was mad. I would have left him alone. But he didn’t talk to me. He didn’t even afford me the courtesy of any type of communication.
“You knew he was mad when you chased him down the stairs with the kids,”
I didn’t know he was mad. I knew he was annoyed. Yeah, I was trying to bug him, not send him into an aneurysm of violent rage.
When it’s all in good fun, we really antagonize each other. And we’re both really good at it. And I don’t know where that leaves us.
My mom told me that it wasn’t fair that I only told my husband my side of the story, and that when he went to speak to my brother he didn’t let him give his side of the story. I told her that my husband, more than anyone, knows I’m not entirely innocent and I tried to give him the full story without embellishing because, well, it doesn’t need embellishing because it’s so ridiculous!
She also said to me that she remembers when I told her that I like to tell a story from my perspective to make it more epic.
Which she remembered completely out of context. Yeah, when I’m telling an epic story I may embellish a little, but I don’t flat out lie about it, and I don’t do that when I’m trying to tell my side of an argument! I even said in my blog, and to my husband, that I know I’m not completely innocent. I was definitely trying to bug my brother. I just wasn’t trying to evoke his anger.
I told her that it really sucks that again, my dad will ‘have a talk’ with my brother about his actions and that’s the end of it. No apologies. No repercussions. Silence.
He had no right to shove me. He had no right to call me a fucking idiot and then tell me that it’s not even worth explaining to me why I’m a fucking idiot because I’m just a fucking idiot.
“I want this fixed by Christmas.”
Sure thing, mom.
My mom also told me that my dad is so annoyed at the whole situation that he doesn’t even want to have any more family dinners at their house. He was also annoyed to find out that my mom and I (previous to the argument with my brother) agreed that I would sleep over there next weekend so we could do some Christmas baking. Yeah, because I feel like doing that now. Fuck.
How am I supposed to fix this?
I’m probably going to sit down with my brother and inform him that I don’t like him. Nothing personal, but what’s to like? Whenever I see him he’s either on his way to being drunk, or high, or enraged. He doesn’t bring anything of value to my life. He stresses me out and annoys the fuck out of me.
Which still begs the question, why is it alright for him to get physical with me?
It’s not. At all. And I don’t know how to make him understand that.
I remember one time when my sister came home from college, and it was just the three of us sitting in the basement watching television and goofing around. We were poking each other, tickling each other, just being silly. Having fun. I poked my brother in the nostril and he stood up and fucking lost his mind.
He started yelling about how easy it would be to kill me, to fucking slap me across the face and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. There would be no way I could stop him from physically hurting me. He went on like that for a while then stormed off.
I can’t say I was totally shocked, we were really getting on each other’s nerves. But the vehement anger that seethed from him seemed really out of context within the situation. I’m sure my sister could weigh in on the extent of me getting on his nerves. I just feel like it goes both ways. He annoys the shit out of me, but I never get enraged like he does.
Also, that time when he tripped me when I was pregnant. I remember there was little to no repercussions for him from that. I don’t think my dad really believed me that my brother actually hooked his foot around my legs and shoved me. He thinks I’m embellishing, but I’m not. I cried and told my mother, who told my father, who had a talk with my brother. I think he might have apologized, but it was forced and not because he genuinely meant it.
And so my mother wonders how I can put up with the crap that my husband does/says to me when we’re fighting.
This whole situation is just so frustrating.
The conversation ended with her saying that it was not alright for my husband to come into her house and threaten my brother without even giving him a chance to give his side of the story. She said he could have at least asked my brother to go outside.
And of course, she wants it fixed by Christmas.