The Vomitorium, A Confessional

2011

  • One time, I got drunk and blacked out. I woke up in my bed. In my kitchen.
  • One time, after a hard night of drinking, I woke up wearing the same clothes I had on the day before. With no underwear. I’m pretty sure I had sex with two, possibly three different guys that night. Oops.
  • I once dated a guy who didn’t like to use his tongue for open mouth kissing. Also, every time we had sex I was too drunk to remember.
  • The first orgasm I ever had was while I was pregnant with my third child. With an oral-b electric toothbrush.
  • The second orgasm I ever had, I squirted so much I soaked my husband’s side of the bed. Using a butt plug and an oral-b electric toothbrush.
  • I masturbated as much as I could while I was pregnant because I was terrified that I might lose the ability after I gave birth. Clearly  not something I needed to worry about.
  • The fantasy of fucking random strangers for money turns me on. That’s right, abuse the holes.
  • I want to learn how to become a Dominatrix. You will address me as Mistress, fuckers.
  • One time, in high school, I got myself liquored up and masturbated while watching the X-Files. I was so into it that I didn’t hear my grandmother coming down the stairs. I just barely had time to wrench my hand out of my pants before she asked me what I was watching. I’m sure she knew exactly what I had been doing.
  • I started what I had hoped would become an annual tradition with my friends. Naked sledding. It lasted barely three years and my husband refused to let me do it while I was pregnant. I would have done it this year, but I just don’t feel like it be as much fun if I did it by myself.
  • I once ate my friend’s vagina. She tasted like cupcakes.
  • I fell in love with my best girlfriend in high school. She was the first girl I ever kissed and I cherish the memory.
  • I don’t believe in depression. I think people get stuck in relationshits, shit jobs, just plain old stagnant situations. They feel they can’t do anything to change their life and so they just muddle on through. No wonder people are depressed with attitudes like that. When you have no hope, nothing to look forward to, nothing to work towards, of course you’re going to become stagnant, hence depressed. People get mad at me when I say this, but I could give a fuck. I truly believe it.
  • If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I wouldn’t want to linger on longer than necessary. I wouldn’t go through chemo just to give myself more time with my family if the inevitable was death regardless. However, I know I’m never going to die of cancer, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
  • I try not to hurt people’s feelings, but I make no apologies for the way I live my life.
  • I once had sex outside under a full moon on a downward incline of a hill at the park. I was so drunk that I convinced myself no one could possibly see us. Turns out all my friends got a pretty good show.
  • I walk around naked so often that my 3-year-old daughter nicknamed me Naked Bear.
  • The worst heart ache I ever felt was the day I had my graduation photo taken. I spent all morning dolling myself up, making sure I looked perfect because that was not just graduation photos but the friends group shot too. I showed up at school to find that my friends had just had their group picture taken. They didn’t think that I should be part of it because I came to the school the year before and I wasn’t part of the original group.
  • I’m pretty sure I’m being emotionally abused by my husband. I want to leave but I don’t know how. We’ll be going to see someone for marriage counselling but I’m pretty sure this marriage will be ending. If my husband ever knew I felt like his he would be horrified. Absolutely horrified.
  • Sometimes I wish I was a single mom. Sometimes I feel like a single mom.
  • I’m writing a business report so I can do what I love and leave my husband.
  • My husband might just be the most boring person I’ve ever met.
  • Some of the previous comments I made aren’t true anymore.

2012

  • A lot of the previous comments don’t feel true anymore. Things with my husband are much better than before.
  • Sometimes my husband and I fight a lot, and most of the time I feel that he’s in the wrong, but I don’t think that’s just because “I’m right, he’s wrong” but because my husband is a little unhinged when it comes to reality.
  • Sometimes I wish I could duct-tape my kids mouths shut.
  • I’m incredibly grateful to have such wonderful friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m mean to them (without meaning to be) and I often wonder why they’re friends with me.
  • I want to write my novel this year.
  • I haven’t written much to accomplish finishing my novel…yet.
Advertisements

8 responses to “The Vomitorium, A Confessional

  1. I think I’m in love with you LOL

    I just read parts of your blog, including your vomitorium and I love that you’re so honest and raw. I see parts of me in your blogging and I have been thinking about starting a blog myself. You have inspired me!

    I just wanted to say thanks for being you and sharing!

  2. You crack me up! Honestly I can relate to a lot of the above “confessionals”. Which ones? I’ll never tell. But I’m sure as hell glad you have 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s